“Mainstream lube is, like, sooo last year.”
No, this isn’t taken from an episode of Portlandia. Sauce Edible Lubricant is actually sugar-free, ketogenic, paleo, vegan and gluten-free and organically flavored. No word on when the company will put a bird on the label.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the future is inside you.
Our little friend REMOJI™ is here to escort you into the new world of App-Controlled Sex Toys. Are you ready?
Crowdfunded on Indigogo by the mad scientists at Picobong, this novel sex toy app remotely takes control of a full line of rechargeable remoji vibrators and, perhaps, your sex life.
REMOJI™ is a spunky yellow cartoon character who happens to possess a great deal of erotic know-how..and some wicked dance moves.
Imagine stimulating your partner’s nether regions using this perverted Pac-Man as your sexual proxy. If that doesn’t provide you with a raging geek boner, what will?
Like most offerings from Pico Bong, this app-compatible REMOJI™ toy line is colorful and wildly different from most sex toys on the market, but what really sets it apart is its ability to be used out of the bedroom.
That’s right, REMOJI™ products are discreetly designed for “public sex” (though please take care that a public tryst with the REMOJI™Blowhole M-Cup doesn’t win you a indecency fine.)
According to Steve Thomson, CMO of PicoBong™-
“We want to revolutionize sex lives by making phones part of foreplay and not a distraction from it. REMOJI™ certainly brings a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘vertical expression of horizontal desire.’ Just imagine using this app, paired up with a sex toy, out in public at a restaurant or club. You can be playing with the app and no one will realize you’re actually controlling a sex toy; they will all think you’re just playing a game.”
REMOJI™ has six different modes to satisfy all music tastes and sexual appetites with pre-set vibration patterns that move to the tempo of your favorite music style, be it alternative, techno, dubstep, hip hop, jazz, or punk.
And you thought you were glued to your phone before…
Guess the human organ whose sole function is sexual pleasure?
That’s right – the Clitoris – AKA- Ground Zero of the female orgasm.
Often ignored or misunderstood, researchers didn’t even discover its true full anatomy until 1998. It’s actually far bigger than most people imagine.
To put it in perspective, your fun button packs about 8,000 sensory nerve fibers. (Comparatively, a man’s penis has about half of that.)
Clitoral nerve fibers are responsive to touch, but especially rhythmic high-frequency stimulation that can penetrate into the deeper laters of the corpora cavernosa (your internal clitoris.)
In short, your clit + vibration = ♥
“Cheap and Cheeky”
This Hummer “goes hammer” with just a twist of the dial. The longer shaft offers two ways to play: One side has an oval-shaped “spoon” to gently cup the clit (like a special hug.) The other offers an extended tip for direct clitoral stimulation..it kind of feels like going from the easy listening station to hardcore rap. And the vibrations? Booya.
“Down with the Patriarchy – Vive la Cliterati!”
Are you sick of seeing icky flesh-colored schlongs supposedly created for women, and obviously dreamed up by men in dirty basements? Jimmyjane hears your heart. Their adorable and decidedly non-icky Form 2 Vibrator is brilliantly designed for your body and is one of the most effective clitoral vibrators around.
Additionally, my own extensive scientific research* shows that women are attracted to most objects sporting bunny ears.
(*Perhaps it’s just me.)
“Great Mother of All Vibrators”
Is your clitoris finicky? Does it turn it’s nose up in disgust at lower-vibration peasants like the Pocket Rocket? Behold the mighty Hitachi Magic Wand. This lumbering white behemoth has a cult following and speeds that come in low, medium, high and “consult with your doctor.”
“Cute and Cuddly”
If you’d prefer a vibrator that won’t buff the paint off a car (we’re looking at you Hitachi) ) we offer the We-Vibe Touch. Soft, squishy and vaguely Teletubbiesque, it looks like something you might find on Pokemon Go. That said, with 8 rumbly vibration settings it’s sure to make you PokeMOAN. Squirtle, indeed.
“The Lady Killer”
Like an actual Womaniser, this sex toy is loud, brash and bound to empty your wallet – but you won’t care because it makes you climax on command. Concerned friends and family may question what this strange force is that keeps you locked in your bedroom for days on end while Heart’s “Magic Man” plays softly in the background.
“But NOBODY has ever touched me like this, Mom! I Love himmmmmm!”
Looking for the ultimate gift for your Glamour Girl this holiday season? Consider an entirely different kind of “bling” with Bijoux Indescrits new Twenty One Vibrator.
Inspired by the anatomy of a diamond, USB-powered Twenty One offers pinpoint-accurate clitoral vibrations in a luxury package.
This unique jewel comes presented in an elegant black gift box with a satin pouch for safe storage.
In the event of a nuclear war there are three things that are sure to come out unscathed: Cockroaches, Keith Richards, and the D2 Black Granite Dildo.
While 70% of all sex toys are manufactured in Chinese factories, this one has the unique distinction of having been formed in a hot continental crust melt zone that we’ll just call “Earth’s Sweat Shop.”
Just think, one day several millennia from now an alien life form may land on earth and dust this off with a twinkle in its
eyes eye. As they say, if the spaceship is a rockin’…