THE NAUGHTY LIST: 12 DIRTY GIFT IDEAS FOR LAZY PEOPLE

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A special delivery from jolly old St. Prick.

Christmas is looming and you’ve got an extra special stocking to fill.

Unfortunately, your local shopping mecca looks like a scene out of the Lord of the Flies and you just can’t seem to pull on your sweatpants and face the commercial mayhem.

Nice job. You are officially the laziest Elf on the Shelf.

Lucky for you, we’ve done the holiday heavy lifting for you with a list 12 sexy  gifts guaranteed to turn your Christmas Fail into Christmas Tail.

Best of all, you can make the magic happen from the comfort of your keyboard. (And you won’t even have to put on sweatpants.)

WOMANIZER LIPSTICK VIBRATORS

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Why? Because her lipstick can’t make her orgasm in 60 seconds and neither can you.

BODYWAND GIFT SETS

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Just like plants crave Brawndo, clits crave 120 volts.

Bodywand’s one-and-done love kits contain their famous 120 volt vibrators, plus an assortment of hardcore romance bait like rose petals, tickle feathers and satin blindfolds.

 MONOGAMY HOT AFFAIR GAME

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If you think monogamy is scary, read up on Ashley Madison’s data breach and get back to us.

This couples-focused board game provides over 400 steamy ideas and 50 fantasy “affairs” to keep sexual boredom (and divorce proceedings) at bay.

GAIA ECO-VIBRATORSBL81922

Eco-sex warriors can save the earth one orgasm at a time with Gaia’s Eco Vibrator.

Safe for the environment and her punani, the Gaia Eco is the world’s first biodegradable and recyclable vibrator…because landfills are the opposite of sexy.

STRAP-ON HARNESS SET

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If only you could find her the perfect gift that combined her love of fashion and showing daddy who’s boss. If only.

REMOTE-CONTROL VIBRATORS

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Want to put your control issues to work? Slip a remote-controlled vibrator in her stocking. Quiet and discreet enough to hide under clothing, these panty ninjas can be operated through remote control or smartphone for stealth-mode public play. (Dennys? The DMV?)

You can show off your sexual mastery with no skills required. Instructions are simple: Just push the button, you lazy bastard.

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY TOYS

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Sure, you can dismiss this erotic trilogy as Mommy Porn, but with over 60 million copies sold worldwide it’s the most likely reason she locks herself in the bathroom with her Kindle for hours.

This Fifty Shades of Grey toy line is couples-friendly so she can reenact the whole gamut of kinky fuckery she reads about- with you.

GLASS CANDY CANE DILDO

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Ring in the holidays with 8 inches of Christmas cheer.

This curiously festive glass wand will make an unforgettable impact when displayed in a Christmas stocking (or your Grandmother’s china cabinet.)

BROAD CITY “BOSS BITCH” G-SPOT VIBE

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Some women live for Sunday brunch mimosas, Uggs and Lifetime Network Christmas specials. If this describes your partner you may proceed directly to Bed, Bath & Beyond..right after you clean your browsing history.

In sharp contrast, there exists a different breed of woman: one who enjoys fart jokes, dick pics and smoking blunts in front of Comedy Central. If you find this rare snowflake, gift her this Boss Bitch from Broad City and proclaim your undying love.

GOOD CLEAN LOVE ORGANIC LUBE

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If you’re planning on sliding down anyone’s chimney tonight you’ll need to bring solid lubrication.

WE-VIBE UNITE COLLECTION

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Her sexual response is complex as a finely-tuned Stradivarius that only great musicians can master, while yours brings to mind a cymbal-banging monkey.

Bridge the orgasm gap with We-Vibe’s Unite Set.  This smartly-designed toy kit is designed to make shared orgasms attainable

CAESAR SEX MACHINE 2.0

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Are you considering buying a piece of outrageously expensive home equipment for your significant other? A word of advice: Stairmasters are for people who miss Skymall.  Fuck machines are for closers.

That’s why you need the Caesar. With the ability to churn out up to 200 James Brown-level thrusts per minute, this unstoppable candy-colored beast will leave no hole unplundered..

AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

Making Masturbation for Men More Fun

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According to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, 78% of all American men aged fourteen and over admit to having masturbated at some point in their lives. This number rises to 93.4% when men reach their 30’s, clearly, almost all of us masturbate.

But for some reason a lot of men still don’t talk openly about masturbation and the ways that they can improve it. While some women chat frequently about vibrators and dildos, the same can’t be said for guys about prostate massagers and penis sleeves.

In this article we’ll be hoping to change that. We will look at what makes masturbation fun, how you can improve it and the toys that we would recommend. Manual masturbation is a lot of fun, but with a toy or two you can elevate your pleasure to another dimension.

What Makes You Enjoy Masturbation?

Masturbation is all about stimulating as many nerve endings as possible so that your body can achieve orgasm. The most sensitive part of your penis is actually the tip of your foreskin, but if your circumcised then it will be the upper rim of the skin behind the head of your penis.

Regardless of whether you are cut or not, you have plenty of nerve endings throughout your penis which are stimulated when you masturbate. The friction of moving your skin up and down causes extra stimulation to your nerves, resulting in an orgasm.

But your penis isn’t the only erogenous zone on your body, your testicles and also your prostate are able to provide pleasure too. In fact, prostate play stimulates far more nerve endings and results in much stronger orgasms than just touching your penis.

Improving Masturbation

If you want to improve masturbation by achieving a stronger and more pleasurable orgasm then you need to stimulate more nerve endings, for a longer period of time. The first tactic for doing this is to stimulate both your penis and your prostate.

These two places are the most sensitive and have the biggest effect on your climax. Your prostate can be stimulated with your fingers but more effectively by toys, which we will cover later in this article. Doing both simultaneously is the true path to an overwhelming orgasm.

Secondly, you should practice edging to maximize the pleasure that you receive during a single session. Edging is the practice of taking yourself as close to an orgasm as possible and then backing off, calming down and then getting going again.

This has two effects; allowing you to enjoy the build up over and over, plus, making your body more sensitive, resulting in a stronger orgasm when you finally let yourself climax. To edge properly you need to be slow, patient and use plenty of lube. If you don’t you are likely to accidentally climax, missing out on all of the pleasure.

Benefits of Sex Toys

The primary purpose of sex toys is to give you more stimulation and therefore pleasure than you could otherwise achieve manually. If we look at both penis toys and prostate toys both exist to stimulate your nerves more.

This can be achieved in two ways; by adding more pressure or friction and by applying that pressure more frequently. With penis toys the added friction is key whereas prostate toys generally work by vibrating stronger and faster than you could use your fingers.

Penis Toy Recommendations

Penis toys are often the first type of sex toy that men buy because they are easy to understand, not particularly taboo and are fun to use. The most popular male sex toy by far is the Fleshlight, a brand of sex toys that mainly produce penis sleeves.

They’ve become extraordinarily popular in the last few years because they create body safe, high quality toys that are sold at a reasonable price. However, what really sets them apart for their competition is their pornstar range.

Many of their toys use anatomically accurate moulds of popular pornstars, making it seem like you’re having sex with one of your favorite girls.

One of our best selling Fleshlight products is the original Pink Lady, one of the first Fleshlights and an all-time favorite. This value pack comes with everything that you need to get started, including a bottle of lube, toy cleaner, the shower mount and the Fleshlight itself.

The Pink Lady sleeve is their most basic option, it doesn’t have any of the textured insides that some of their other toys have, but this makes it ideal for beginners. If you’ve never used a Fleshlight then you might be surprised at how tight and stimulating they can be.

However, if you’re looking for a more intense experience then we would highly recommend that you try the Alexis Texas Lotus toy. Modeled after Alexis Texas, one of the most popular pornstars of all time, this toy is far more intense than the Pink Lady.

The sleeve itself that bumps, ridges and gaps, which will stimulate your penis from all different angles as you insert yourself into it.

Everything’s better in Texas.

The Lotus sleeve is one of the most highly recommended Fleshlight sleeves because it offers a great balance between intensity and comfort. With  an insertable length of 10 inches, this toy is ideal for guys of all different shapes and sizes.

Compared to other brands of masturbators the Fleshlight series is extremely popular. Most masturbators are static, whereas the Fleshlight is interchangeable, meaning that you can buy new sleeves and change them out for a complete different feeling.

Plus, with some of the most interesting and stimulating sleeves on the market you are going to enjoy far stronger and more enjoyable orgasms.

Prostate Toy Recommendations

If you want to try out prostate toys then there are two main categories to consider; plugs and massagers. Plugs are great for beginners because they aren’t overly stimulating, whereas massagers can deliver huge amounts of pleasure.

The Aneros Helix stimulator is arguably one of the most well known male prostate stimulators. It was designed by medical professionals to sit comfortably in position and rock back and forth, putting pressure onto your pressure as you masturbate.

Unlike a plug the Aneros Helix doesn’t provide constant pressure, it’s more similar to a vibrator but because there is no electronics it’s more gentle and natural feeling. This makes it the perfect choice for men who have never explored prostate play before but who want a toy that can give them a more intense feeling when they desire it.

On the other hand, the Fuzion XChange Anal Vibrator was created to give you mind-blowing orgasms. It’s an incredibly powerful vibrator that has two different probes, three vibrations and seven settings.

This vibrator is the ultimate in prostate pleasure.

Made out of body safe silicone, the Fuzion XChange vibrator has a gentle curve to it which ensures that the tip of vibrator sits directly on your prostate. While the Aneros Helix gives you a gentle stimulation, this vibe is going to make itself known.

The great thing about this toy is that with seven different pulsation settings it’s perfect for men who are more sensitive but also for those that want to most powerful stimulation possible.

Yes, your phone can even do THAT: Meet the Remoji App

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Ladies and Gentlemen, the future is inside you.

Our little friend REMOJI™ is here to escort you into the new world of App-Controlled Sex Toys.  Are you ready?

Crowdfunded on Indigogo by the mad scientists at Picobong, this novel sex toy app remotely takes control of a full line of rechargeable remoji vibrators and, perhaps, your sex life.

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REMOJI™ is a spunky yellow cartoon character who happens to possess a great deal of erotic know-how..and some wicked dance moves.

Imagine stimulating your partner’s nether regions using this perverted Pac-Man as your sexual proxy. If that doesn’t provide you with a raging geek boner, what will?

Like most offerings from Pico Bong,  this app-compatible REMOJI™ toy line is colorful and wildly different from most sex toys on the market, but what really sets it apart is its ability to be used out of the bedroom.

That’s right, REMOJI™ products are discreetly designed for “public sex” (though please take care that a public tryst with the REMOJI™Blowhole M-Cup doesn’t win you a indecency fine.)

According to Steve Thomson, CMO of PicoBong™-

“We want to revolutionize sex lives by making phones part of foreplay and not a distraction from it. REMOJI™ certainly brings a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘vertical expression of horizontal desire.’ Just imagine using this app, paired up with a sex toy, out in public at a restaurant or club. You can be playing with the app and no one will realize you’re actually controlling a sex toy; they will all think you’re just playing a game.”

REMOJI™ has six different modes to satisfy all music tastes and sexual appetites with pre-set vibration patterns that move to the tempo of your favorite music style, be it alternative, techno, dubstep, hip hop, jazz, or punk.

And you thought you were glued to your phone before…

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See the Picobong Remoji Diver, Surfer, Lifeguard and Blowhole

G-Vibe 2 Vibrator Giveaway

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Grab a towel - The revolutionary G-Vibe 2 is the Holy Grail of G-Spot Vibrators and we're giving TWO away! The giveaway starts now and will end 10/31/16.  2 winners will be drawn and contacted via email. Shipping is limited to US residents. You must be 18+ in order to enter. Good luck!
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The Clit Stop: Our Top 5 External Vibes

Guess the human organ whose sole function is sexual pleasure?

That’s right – the Clitoris – AKA- Ground Zero of the female orgasm.

Often ignored or misunderstood, researchers didn’t even discover its true full anatomy until 1998. It’s actually far bigger than most people imagine.

To put it in perspective, your fun button packs about 8,000 sensory nerve fibers. (Comparatively, a man’s penis has about half of that.)

Clitoral nerve fibers are responsive to touch, but especially rhythmic high-frequency stimulation that can penetrate into the deeper laters of the corpora cavernosa (your internal clitoris.)

In short, your clit + vibration = ♥

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1. Gyration Sensations Hummer

“Cheap and Cheeky”

This Hummer “goes hammer” with just a twist of the dial. The longer shaft offers two ways to play:  One side has an oval-shaped “spoon” to gently cup the clit (like a special hug.) The other offers an extended tip for direct clitoral stimulation..it kind of feels like going from the easy listening station to hardcore rap. And the vibrations? Booya.

 

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2. Jimmyjane Form 2 Vibrator

“Down with the Patriarchy – Vive la Cliterati!”

Are you sick of seeing icky flesh-colored schlongs supposedly created for women, and obviously dreamed up by men in dirty basements?  Jimmyjane hears your heart. Their adorable and decidedly non-icky Form 2 Vibrator is brilliantly designed for your body and is one of the most effective clitoral vibrators around.

Additionally, my own extensive scientific research* shows that women are attracted to most objects sporting bunny ears.

(*Perhaps it’s just me.)

 

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3. Hitachi Magic Wand

“Great Mother of All Vibrators”

Is your clitoris finicky? Does it turn it’s nose up in disgust at lower-vibration peasants like the Pocket Rocket? Behold the mighty Hitachi Magic Wand. This lumbering white behemoth has a cult following and speeds that come in low, medium, high and “consult with your doctor.”

 

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4. We-Vibe Touch

“Cute and Cuddly”

If you’d prefer a vibrator that won’t buff the paint off a car (we’re looking at you Hitachi) ) we offer the We-Vibe Touch.  Soft, squishy and vaguely Teletubbiesque, it looks like something you might find on Pokemon Go. That said, with 8 rumbly vibration settings it’s sure to make you PokeMOAN. Squirtle, indeed.

 

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5. The Womanizer W500

“The Lady Killer”

Like an actual Womaniser, this sex toy is loud, brash and bound to empty your wallet – but you won’t care because it makes you climax on command. Concerned friends and family may question what this strange force is that keeps you locked in your bedroom for days on end while Heart’s “Magic Man” plays softly in the background.

“But NOBODY has ever touched me like this, Mom! I Love himmmmmm!”